This question was easy, wasn’t it?
Surely the question above is truly familiar and we have been asked such question at least at one point in time (with the first most probably being in nursery/primary school). Try to flash back to that time when you were asked this question as a toddler and remember what you answered back then. I can guess that your answer would probably be: a doctor; a teacher; a firefighter; a policeman; a soldier; or even the president! You basically get the idea of what kind of answers would come out.
Fast forward to the moment at the end of high school when you have to choose your major for your degree and the same question became not so simple anymore. You might be lost and just choose a major that gave the best flexibility and opportunity or you have some clarity in what kind of job/industry you want to explore and work in.
Fast forward to that time after you graduate and earn your degree and that same question just become truly sophisticated and most often than not you’re just lost in reality.
At least that’s what happened to me.
My Last Minute Change
I can’t truly recall my answer back in my infancy but it’s either being a doctor or an engineer. But I remember accurately as I enter high school, I wanted to be an engineer, electrical engineer to be exact, and the reason is quite simple. Both of my parents took electrical engineering, work in an electric company, and I saw them taking their advanced degree in energy related major and got interested in the field. I kept this dream of mine until my last year in high school when I glanced at a new alternative: chemical engineering.
Why Chemical Engineering?
There are numerous reasons but the top 3 that I can remember are:
- I took a liking to chemistry but don’t want to make it a focus since I still want to study some math and physics.
- Still want to pursue a career in energy but with a wider context (not just electricity)
- They say being a chemical engineer means being a process engineer which expresses that I know how a lot, if not, nearly everything is made and I know how to make it possible
In the end I took a detour, I dreamt of pursuing chemical engineering and I got what I desired.
My Undergrad Years — I Thought I Had It
My days studying chemical engineering were tough. Some did say that this major is the second hardest and although I can’t validate this, I can say that this major is very demanding. Often times I struggled, I fell and I failed and I have to limit myself to my network outside my major yet despite all that I thoroughly enjoyed what I learned here since I get what I came for.
In addition to gaining great fondness with what I learned academically, I also managed to grasp further clarity to my dreams and ambitions. During university, it’s not unusual that I would be asked on my dream career upon graduation. I would sometimes ask myself as well the same question and as I went on with my undergrad, I successfully gained a perspective on my career where I became even firmer on aspiring to work in the energy business. I kept that dream along with some passion in what I learned in class. I eventually graduated with immense satisfaction, pride, and sense of where do I want to be next, thinking what’s next would not be so hard.
This is where I was wrong and things took a turn for the worse.
I Waited and the Wait was Worth It
As I graduated, more than little of my friends secured a job in various fields but none caught my attention. Insecurity started to kick in later yet I still managed to cope and commit myself to wait at least 6 months for opportunities in the energy business to come while working part-time in the lab to gain some knowledge and experience as a potential leverage. Unfortunately, things went from bad to worse when my number 1 priority in terms of workplace did not open recruitment for chemical engineers. Here I started to look to other options and I luckily managed to secure an internship opportunity at a local consulting firm which was working in a case on oil and gas industry thinking that this could be an opportunity to alternatives while waiting for my breakthrough. I took this internship until the beginning of 2020.
At the end of my internship, all my waiting paid off as I got offered another job that I dreamt of, a field engineer in a global service company. I felt ecstatic and took great pride because I commit to myself and finally able to achieve what I planned.
Then the plot-twist came.
But In the End I’m Lost
My first days as a field engineer were memorable. Sometimes it was struggling due to the not-so-friendly condition and I would be unsettled with myself, but after 50+ endless days out on the sea went through the challenges and finally found some joy in my job. Sadly all that was deemed useless anymore as I have to say sayonara to the job that I was starting to enjoy…
It was the 24th June on a warm afternoon. I was in the middle of a game of DotA using a laptop bought after my first deployment when I got the call from my manager to head to the office the following morning to meet HR. The next day, I got the announcement that I had to be made redundant and got my employment terminated at the end of the month.
I have known before that such news might come due to conditions in the business. Yet still, when I was told that I was laid-off it was still tough for me to handle. I was paralysed inside and I had to try hard to get a sense of what was happening while reading the details of redundancy letter. The meeting only happened on a brief 15 minute period and after that I simply left the office not as an employee anymore. I would come back the following Monday, on my birthday, to return all company attires except for one coverall that I can keep.
I was heartbroken with the fact that I was laid off. First, I felt that I am wasting a year of my life with all the waiting and insecurities just to get back to zero whilst my friends kept on progressing with their lives. Secondly, I felt worthless. I know that I had to leave due to the business but the fact that I’m the only ‘chosen one’ out of 8 gave me a feeling that I’m not cut out for this kind of work. Lastly, I feel that I’m out of options. In the weeks and months following losing my job, I tried to go all in on every opportunity that came. But I have to be honest that I just couldn’t get around the ‘why’ part during interviews.
Here I realised that I’m truly lost. I might have everywhere to go but all seems wrong and the direction I want is just not there.
I don’t know where to go. I was lost.
Now I am Still Lost
Six months has passed and during that timeline I have worked part-time but somehow hated it for having the wrong motivations. Afterwards I managed to come back to the company I used to have my internship on a project-based contract. It was rough and I would usually felt restless because of the lack of uncertainty and security in this job (fearing that I would have to bid myself farewell again and feeling that I was not cut out for work). Gratefully I did end up securing a full-time job here, yet somehow it did not made me much better. It took me a while to find out the whys but in the end I realised that my motivation to work here is becoming a double-edged sword for me.
I decided to choose consulting with the intention that I can explore numerous industries hoping that I would find an alternative in the future. On the other hand this approach made me uneasy since I still have the greatest of desire to work in an my childhood dream kind of place and still lacking in self-esteem at work due to the feeling of worthlessness as a team member where even the simplest of tasks can feel difficult, which made me struggle with my performance in projects.
So back to the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
I find it amusing how this question is harder to answer as I grow up. I spent my life having a straightforward life and right now I’m enduring a phase I have not endured before where I’m undergoing a moment in life where I would answer “I don’t know and I’m still figuring out,” to the question above. Some say that it takes time and experience to truly know your calling and reason for being. I can’t confirm nor deny this, but I do hope that the answer would come sooner or later.
Back in university, a lot of test questions on engineering would be answered in ideal-state condition on the basis that it would be easier to understand. However, ideal-state condition only exists in textbooks and in reality we are dealing with real-life condition with the ever-changing conditions and dynamicity. From process control I know that disturbances and noise are inevitable but we can’t help but accept the fact that we can only deal with the controllable. Ultimately, thermodynamics taught me that the entropy of the universe will always increase, meaning that the world only gets more chaotic and we can only set a boundary to our system and control the chaos inside.
There are parts which we can control but most are just uncontrollable. I know this for a fact and accepting is the only way but in spite of that, I have to admit that acceptance to such facts is a challenge itself.
I don’t know about tomorrow, I just live for day to day.
Many things about tomorrow I don’t seem to understand
I can only hope that every step will get brighter as I climb upon the stairs